grumblog

“Twelve years of deafness. Five years designing and building my...

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 15:52:34 -0500

“Twelve years of deafness. Five years designing and building my Sono-Ears. 18 more months of testing and tweaking them. Now I can finally hear what people have to say. What a fucking waste of time.”

Later in his career, The Magnificent Jimmy’s shows veered...

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 13:20:20 -0500

Later in his career, The Magnificent Jimmy’s shows veered further away from hypnotism and slight of hand and closer to gassing a crowd and fucking them in the ass. Largely unsuccessful in theater settings, the “And Relax Hour” was wildly popular on radio.

“I just snuck into our chickens’ home, covered in...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 19:02:39 -0500

“I just snuck into our chickens’ home, covered in feces, earned their trust, and swiped their unborn children right out from under them, just so we can put food on our table, and you want me to smile? I’m not a man. I’m a coward in a hat. Oh Jesus! I just stepped on a fucking egg. That hurts emotionally and financially. Fuck this shit, Julia. Fuck this shit.”

“Fuck you, Janet. This is who you married. For what...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 18:51:58 -0500

“Fuck you, Janet. This is who you married. For what it’s worth, I think that doily on your head looks childish and ridiculous too, but did I tell you to take it off? No, no I didn’t, because I respect you as a per— on second thought, take off that god damned doily, it’s fucking up my sea man photograph. Cheeeeeeeeeese!”

Joe Battin, 2B, Philadelphia Athletics. Bats: R. Throws: R....

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 18:29:54 -0500

Joe Battin, 2B, Philadelphia Athletics. Bats: R. Throws: R. Murders: Silently.

When life gives you white people, make a boss ass hat. And white...

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 14:40:00 -0500

When life gives you white people, make a boss ass hat. And white people-aid. You’ve got to chop, grind, crush, and juice white people into a beverage. It’s king nasty, but it’s better than dealing with white people in general. We’ve gotten a bit off topic here. Back to the point: that hat is fucking amazing. The poncho’s pretty nice also. The two go together like white people-aid and, shit, back to juicing white people again.

“Daddy, we don’t have a dog. Not any more.”

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 17:19:48 -0500

“Daddy, we don’t have a dog. Not any more.”

“That’s the media mail rate, right? And a leg of...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 17:17:41 -0500

“That’s the media mail rate, right? And a leg of lamb stuffed with cocaine is media, right? I mean, think about it, what is media? What is media, son?”

Fucking white people and their nutella.

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 17:05:39 -0500

Fucking white people and their nutella.

Worst Harlem Shake ever.

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:49:00 -0500

Worst Harlem Shake ever.

Best case scenario for what followed immediately after this...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 13:46:14 -0500

Best case scenario for what followed immediately after this photo was taken: the room was struck by a stray atomic bomb.

Why?

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 15:31:07 -0400

Why not?

Randy Travis Fan Fiction, Vol. 1

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 17:39:58 -0400

randytravisfanfiction:

Randy Travis snapped his pencil in half with one hand and threw his guitar across the room. He had just written the best song of his career, but he knew in his heart country radio would never get behind “Anal Fissures and Nosebleeds.”

He picked up his phone and texted his assistant Jenny. “FUCK U- U GODLESS WHORE” Jenny was young and his pastor’s daughter, so she’d take that kind of shit.

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“Oh Jasper, don’t you worry about money none. As...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 13:35:33 -0400

“Oh Jasper, don’t you worry about money none. As long as I’ve got a shirt on my back, love in my heart, and Hurricane Tina raging through my veins like a fiery train out of hell with piss-angry demons hanging off the roof like the Bombay Special, forcing sadness to vomit from my tear ducts and stained glass rainbows to launch out my asshole, I’m happy. Now, what say you cook momma a little dessert for breakfast while I scratch the spiders off your dick? S’posed to be a beautiful day, dear.”

This man was a peasant in Georgia under the Russian Empire, and...

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 12:57:56 -0400

This man was a peasant in Georgia under the Russian Empire, and yet he looks more satisfied with life than 98% of America today.

Coincidentally, there are only three things in the world that you can’t buy at a Target superstore: a gypsy pipe, a cape, and a dagger. Start living, America, start living.

“If your love for Jesus is pure, he will protect you from...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 15:05:00 -0400

“If your love for Jesus is pure, he will protect you from the deadly venom. Says you’re on your own with that shit you eat at Hardee’s though.”

Transporting your serpents in a box just kind of says,...

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 15:01:30 -0400

Transporting your serpents in a box just kind of says, “yeah, but I’m not sure Jesus loves me all the time.”

“Let’s see here, “Citizenship,’...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 22:58:00 -0400

“Let’s see here, “Citizenship,’ ‘Character,’ ‘Sportsmanship,’ and what else… what else? That’s right, Jerry! ‘Don’t try to fuck the critters.’ Thank you for remembering that, and of course, certainly, if you do fuck the critters, do not, I repeat, do not perform a 70 minute dramatic monologue at the talent show, detailing every critter you fucked and how it compared to a dead cat. Jerry, Jerry— are you with me on this one? Good, good. I feel like we should also include something about sharing sweets.”

(LtoR) Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead,...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 22:55:58 -0400

(LtoR) Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Dead, Little Roy, Dead, Dead.

Tony “Boiled Ham” Bocca took a beating that night,...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 13:19:52 -0400

Tony “Boiled Ham” Bocca took a beating that night, but it was nowhere near the level of pummeling he would take two years later, when he stepped inside the ring sober for the first time.